Recently, a strange green coating appeared on the bottom of my metal spectacle frames. It couldn’t be cleaned off, so I took them back to the optician.
At the first outlet:
“Hello! There’s something wrong with my frames, could you check it please?”
<senior optician took a quick glance>
“Ma’am, sorry there’s nothing we can do. The warranty over already. You need to take better care of your specs. Singapore is very hot, you wear them when you exercise and you sweat a lot yah? Plastic frame is better if you sweat so much. I can show you the latest ones.”
No troubleshooting, only upselling. Guess I’m not coming back to this outlet again.
Honestly, I don’t wear them when exercising, so the diagnosis was puzzling to say the least. At the second outlet, I repeated my request. What happened next really blew me away!
<staff holds my glasses up to the light, inspected them at multiple angles, and also touched the green, rusty areas>
“Ma’am, can you put the glasses on?”
“Please turn to the side. Ok! You can turn back now and give your glasses to me.”
She smiled and continued, “actually the problem is the nose pad position is wrong. Your glasses are resting on your cheeks, so when you sweat, it leaves deposits on the frames where it touches your face.”
“I’m going to take out the lenses, clean both the frames and lenses, then adjust your nose pads for a better fit.”
When I thought I couldn’t be impressed any further… “These nose pads look quite old. If you have time, I can change them for you also.”
At two outlets of the same eyewear company, I had vastly different conversations, even though the starting point was identical.
The BAD conversation
In the first encounter, I felt blamed for the issue, my concerns were avoided and dismissed with no real explanation. The staff was communicating "I can't help you with your problem but you should have known better anyway." You might have experienced poor service, felt brushed off in a work discussion or misunderstood by a loved one when you had something important to discuss.
Bad conversations can linger and really affect us. Sometimes the effects are not consciously registered by us, and go on to influence our future interactions with others. With extremely hurtful conversations, we don't recover from until much later. Fortunately, this can be mitigated with care and practice.
The GOOD conversation
In the second instance, I was met with graciousness, openness, careful observation and deliberate problem-solving. The short exchange took less than 15 minutes, but she left me with a warmth that lasted the whole day. She listened carefully to the problem described, and gathered more facts. She offered reassurance without prompting and did so with care and friendliness. She communicated "I want to hear you out and help as best as I can."
A good conversation can have a lasting, positive impact. Being fully seen, heard and understood is one of the most nourishing experiences we can have. The wonderful thing is, it is even perfectly possible between two strangers!
EXPERIMENT
Before responding to someone, pause for a moment and check-in with yourself:
Is there anything bothering you, that might affect the next encounter? Even that awareness could help reduce any unintended miscommunication.
Ask yourself what role you want/are needed to play for the other person ("I want to be a good listener" or "she needs to hear the truth"). You may already do this unconsciously and intuitively. Knowing who we want to be in a conversation serves as a useful anchor for guiding it to a hoped for outcome.
When we can help it, let's stay away from blaming, avoiding or dismissing. While it may be very satisfying in that brief moment, the repercussions or damage to that relationship could take a long time to repair and overcome.
Before entering important conversations, what do you need to be centred and grounded? What supports you to bring good humour and openness? Before jumping to conclusions, observe the situation and ask questions to get more information. Deliberate your next steps, whether it is what you want to say or do.
In our daily life, when someone brings us an issue, our responses probably lie somewhere on a spectrum between these two extremes. I hope my contrasting experiences offer you insights to create more good conversations and avoid the bad!
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