"What is mine is mine, what is yours, is ALSO MINE!" Apparently, what belongs to a woman belongs solely to her. Once in relationship, she gets all that belongs to her partner too. Do you believe this is how it works?
I had a habit that upset my husband a lot. Whenever I got home, I would ring the bell and wait. AND, feel a rush of delight when he opened our gate and main door each time.
Until, an unexpected incident changed how we both felt about this.
It was 11pm and a tough week at work. The commute home was 23 MRT stations and more stops on a shuttle bus service. Repeated the entire work week. All I wanted was to crash and sleep immediately. I rang our door bell. He appeared, "did you forget your keys"? I shook my head and he opened the gate.
The next day was a late night too. Stress manifested in how impatiently I jabbed at the door bell. When he finally opened the door, he looked as drained as I did. Wordlessly, we nodded at each other, him back to work, and me off to wash away the day's anxieties.
What did you think happened the next day?
Ding dong... ding dong... DING DONG!!! The door bell was shouting my frustration at what seemed like a longer delay for the door to be opened.
"I wasn't out partying, why can't he open the door when he knows it's me and I'm so tired?"
"What the heck is he doing inside?"
"Not like we live in a freaking landed property, the house is not that big!?!"
My thoughts were speeding me to the edge of a cliff, and ...
"I'm halfway through something urgent. Why do you come back so late everyday?" His brow furrowed as he fiddled with the keys.
Even though he hadn't raised his voice, my sudden tears shocked us into stunned silence right away. We stood at the door, unsure of what to do next.
Before we blame anyone and I'm really not asking you to take sides, let's take a pause. How does this play out in our lives every day? The outcomes could have completely diverged. He could have accused me of overreacting, or yelled at me to stop crying and embarrassing myself in front of the neighbours. I could have left in a huff, and stayed elsewhere to "teach him a lesson". The engineer in me was tempted to distract myself from overwhelm by drawing a fault tree analysis of this catastrophic event.
Thankfully, we both took a pause that night. And we didn't run away. I knew versions of myself who would have.
He looked at me. I looked at him and took a deep breath in.
"I'm sorry dear. I'm really very tired and upset. I need to come in and shower before I say or do anything stupid and make this worse."
Under the comfort of warm running water, I wondered, "what was REALLY the matter tonight?" My reaction was disproportionate to what was a minor inconvenience. What made it feel so threatening? Why did I feel so helpless and frightened waiting outside the door?
THAT WAS IT.
Growing up in my generation, physical punishment was quite common. When my perceived misdemeanour was more serious, I was locked outside the flat after being disciplined. For some of you, it might have been FREEDOM! - the perfect chance to escape to the playground, or run to the mama shop downstairs for a treat.
But for me, as an adult, my extreme discomfort at waiting outside my home, even for a few minutes, helped me realise that it must have been so terrifying for me as a child. Whenever doors are unlocked for me, the relief my body registers floods me like a minor miracle.
With startling, new clarity, I flung open the bedroom door, mood 180 degrees changed, and I apologised to my husband.
Breathlessly, I explained to him why waiting outside felt so dangerous to me. How invisible fears lurked in front of a closed door. Some part of me is still afraid that the door might never open again. I could be homeless! It finally made sense, why it felt so gratifying, whenever he welcomed me in.
As he quietly listened, at the end of it, he simply said, "I'm so glad you figured it out", and gave me a hug.
"This is our home. I will always open the door for you. I am sorry too, I don't like being interrupted when I'm working, but I should have told you nicely. Next time just message me from the bus stop, so I know you are reaching." These days, I'm happy to fish for my own keys and open doors! Through this experience, I believe that for relationships to thrive, what is needed is for us to understand...
What is mine, is mine.
What is yours, is yours.
What is ours, is ours.
What is mine, is mine
What triggers us quickly or easily?
Our past experiences affect the way we are with people around us. We can take ownership to gently explore what still hurts and discover what we need to heal. Whilst we shouldn't expect our partner or relationship to heal us, we can request for compassion or encouragement.
What is yours, is yours
What are our partners' histories?
Are they consciously or unconsciously bringing that into our relationships?
And even if they did, we cannot compel someone to change or heal. However, we can be understanding, patient and loving, as they work through difficult moments.
If you notice that they are often triggered by something specific, offer more space in the moment! It could feel a little unusual for you, but it could be something that's been troubling them. When they seem more able or willing to talk about what happened, gently invite them to share what happened from their perspective, and if they need anything from us, or how we can be supportive.
What is ours, is ours
What are some conflicts that recur in our relationship?
Can we approach them without being defensive and reactive?
Can we safely see how we are responsible, and commit to recover from this together?
When we are triggered, whether it's waiting for someone to come to the door, a text that seemed harsh, or when our partner forgot something they promised, it's not just about what they did. It is compounded by how we experience these relationship fractures along the specific fault lines of our individual wounds and histories.
Before verbal and emotional storms sweep us both away, pause. Take a breath.
May there be space for you to ask:
"Why is this really so painful for me?"
"What is causing me to feel ________?"
"What do I believe about myself and my partner in this moment?"
If you believe that the hurt was not intentional, curiosity can lead you to understand yourself and your partner better. When we bring empathy, kindness, and support, the reconciliation and healing could really surprise us.
Perhaps, there are old scars that have sealed the doors to our hearts.
Perhaps, it is in carefully navigating what is mine, yours and ours, that we find courage and capacity to rediscover love and beauty from within, and in each other.
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